Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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