Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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