I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
