I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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