Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
