Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
