Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
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a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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