im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
