I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
