the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
