I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
