I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
