Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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