Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
