Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
