highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Someone came in the potted fern
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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