As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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