a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
