Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
