I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
