life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
