She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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