I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
