just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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