went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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