Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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