I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
