You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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