You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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