im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
