Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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