i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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