half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This house was built for laser tag.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
