it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
