last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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