it was like his penis was on wheels.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
