i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We have so much sex to catch up on
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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