we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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