I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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