your parents love me but you hate me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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