Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
