Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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