she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
