end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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