piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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