well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
