dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
