I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
