dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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