I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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