So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
