So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
