Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Alive.
So much puke
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
