Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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